Tea Party Raptured

Every member of the Tea Party, Tea Party Patriots, National Tea Party Federation, and Nationwide Tea Part Coalition has disappeared without a trace.

Incidentally, sources in North Africa have reported the inexplicable appearance of several million loud, extremely irate, and stark naked white people outside of a small village 80 miles to the west of Tripoli.

Though, as of yet, no one has been able to contact them, one could safely assume that they are the same aggregated group of individuals that vanished from across the United States earlier today.

Further conjecture leads to the conclusion that they have been sent to their supposed promised land: a country where the government has completely removed itself from all dealings with business, education, infrastructure, and basic services—i.e. Libya.

A second, completely unexpected turn of events occurred when Representative John Boehner announced two hours ago that the entire Republican establishment would be leaving the Christian faith.

“Effective immediately,” said the Speaker from the steps of the Capitol Building “The Republican Party leadership will no longer adhere to the tenets of Christianity.”

When pressed about this sudden religious conversion, Representative Boehner had the following to say:

“God has raptured the Tea Party—a core constituency of the greater Republican Party—with the full knowledge of the negative effects this would have for us in the upcoming Presidential election. This has led us to the conclusion that the Judeo-Christian God has overt Democratic tendencies. Well, if God is a Democrat, then our partisan sensibilities clearly state that we must find a new God.”

Asked what faith they would be converting to, Boehner added:

“We are moving to a religion that resolutely adheres to Republican principles. One of our own design and persuasion: Ronald Reaganism. The mass baptism will take place next Tuesday at 7 pm in the Potomac River. It will be open to the press and televised.”